Saaaaad.

I think crying now and then is a healthy thing to do, but is crying too much unhealthy?  I guess I could google it and look around on forums and blahblah for hours, but I'm really too lazy.  Today I cried a lot, and I keep just bursting into random crying episodes.  It was just like all the little things I was avoiding crying about all week just suddenly piled up and now I'm just like a nifty little waterfall you can plug in on your coffee table and turn off/on whenever you like.  Except...that I don't like to cry 50 times in a day so it's not really that great.

I'm really sad about my auntie passing away Friday morning.  I was expecting it (just not so fast), so I did have a bit of time to mentally prepare for it to happen, but it still hit me a lot harder than I was expecting considering that I knew about it.  The biggest reason for that is probably that so much of it is exactly like my grandma's death a few years ago and then some of those emotions feel like they've gotten stirred up too so it just doesn't feel too great at all.  And of course I'm incredibly worried about my sister, things aren't sounding super bad but I'm really worried about the chance of her losing her baby.  I didn't really notice it until I was just typing this, but I want kids a lot and the last few months I've been telling myself that's something I don't want, that I'd be a bad mother, blahblah.  But I really do want kids really bad, and the thought of having one die is just really horrible and I don't want my sister (or anyone, really) to have to go through that.

IUNNO.  I guess I don't feel like typing more.

Horribleh

Blah blah blah.

Lately feels like it really sucks.  As much as I hate to say that, it really does feel that way.  The other day I finally had my doctor's appointment, my mom tagged along with me this time and I was really happy about that because she brought up some issues and had some questions I didn't think of at the time.  We talked about a lot of things, and seeing as my doctor isn't really sure what to suggest anymore, she ended up referring me to a specialist, as well as deciding to send me out for a few tests to check out my head, along with my heart.

It's really pretty freaky, at least to me.  I've had so many random little health problems for so long, it's starting to make me wonder if there is seriously something wrong with me that just hasn't been discovered yet because I generally avoided going to the doctor for about 10 years.  Maybe something that it will be too late to reverse because I've just let it get so bad without realizing...I don't know.  It also really freaks me out that my doctor is at a loss.  But, on the plus side, she did suggest that I stop taking one of my pills which might be the cause of my dizziness.  I really hope it ends up being the case...but I have the feeling it's not that easy.

And being so forgetful...I completely forgot to mention to my doctor that my brain feels like...well, crazy.  Each evening my brain just seems like it's going a million miles an hour and it takes me hours to fall asleep even if I'm exhausted.  It's really getting to be too much..but at the same time, if my doctor wants me to switch anti-depressants, I have no money to be able to do that...and being off work I'm afraid that I'll do something stupid between the pill switch.

Erggggg.

Improvements

Lately I've been thinking a lot about things I want to improve about myself, and the list seems like it keeps getting longer and longer.  They are things I've been wanting to change/improve about myself/my life for a long time but I've never had the motivation to really focus on any of them for an extended period of time.  But now that my list seems to be a mile long, I'm wondering which are really the most important, and if there are some that I don't even really need to bother with.  It's a bit overwhelming, because everything that I've thought of is things I really would like to change...and no matter how many times I think about it there isn't any that seem like they aren't important enough for me to cross off the list.

I really want to be an independent and strong person...but that is so incredibly hard.  At least, it feels that way to me.  I've relied on others for so long and been afraid of things and depressed for so long that everything feels like an insane challenge, even simple things like making a phone call or going out in public...it's really hard to suddenly try to change.  I really want to, and I really need to and this seems like such a great time to do it, but where do I even start?  I've let some of my anxieties get so bad that some things I am absolutely terrified of doing, I get myself into such a panic just thinking that I might have to do them that sometimes I actually make myself physically sick from it.  Being this sort of person is really tiring, and I want to be able to face my fears and move on in life instead of avoiding half the things I encounter because I keep letting my fear take over.  Herp derp.  I know things can't always be easy, but I wish this was a bit easier!

And on the same topic, I started working out a bit yesterday!  Not anything crazy, and I'm not sure how long I can stick with it...but it seems like a good idea to get a bit of exercise in right now since I'm not able to go into work, which was where I got most of my exercise.  So I'm pretty excited about that, I just hope I'm able to stick with it for a while without giving up!

Crazy or Happy

So, hi there, welcome to my blog!  I really can't think of something awesome and inspiring/mind blowing/whatever for a starting post, so you get stuck with my rambling.  Apologies in advance.


I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy, and honestly it feels pretty fun for the most part.  The last few weeks sometimes I suddenly catch myself singing a little song to myself, and I never even seem to realize that I even started singing in the first place.  I wish I could say I was belting out Bohemian Rhapsody or Stairway to Heaven just out of the blue (that would be cool, right?!), but it's not even like that.  I have started singing what I'm doing, or thinking, sometimes I just sing the names of colours of something I just looked at.  The first few times I really noticed it I was thinking, "Well okay, that's different...but whatever." and I'd stop.  But now it's more like "Seriously?  Why am I singing about the freakin' blanket again...what the hell is wrong with me?", but I'd keep singing because for whatever reason it just seems to work.  I keep thinking how great it would be if I actually came up with some awesome song...but I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen unless people like hearing songs about teal blankets and how they keep my feet warm.  Yep.  I guess on that note, I'm sure I could find people who really love teal, or warm feet... "Hey man, you like teal? OH MY GOD, ME TOO. You've gotta hear this song!".  Or people who also want to know the difference between the colours teal and turquoise.  Seriously, what is the difference?!  You are pretty much the same colour, just be friends!

Anyhow...yes.  Crazy.  I started taking some anti-depressants a few months ago, and after my doctor upped the dosage (after waiting a while to see if they were actually helping at all or if they should be switched) I am pretty sure that's when it all started.  Singing...to myself, random cats, my moms dogs (Yes Sasha, that song was true, you are stinky and I'm sorry but it had to be said!  Err, sung...), singing in the middle of the night when I wake up for the twentieth time.  There are other things too, my brain goes completely crazy in the afternoon/evening.  Maybe not completely crazy, but the pace at which things fly through my mind feels crazy, and would probably result in a lot of hefty speeding tickets if brains gave them out to thoughts.  And now I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I was sort of decent at drawing so I could draw comics about the awesome things I think of sometimes.  There is also the problem of my brain seeming to get stuck on one topic...for hours...on end...in the middle of the damn night.  "Hey, yo!  Wake up...I realize it's 2am and you've been laying here for hours, but why don't we think about this guy for a few more hours because clearly thinking about him all day for the last few months HAS NOT BEEN ENOUGH.", or you know when you run a conversation or such over in your head and think about how you should have said or done something different...my brain will get stuck on it for hours!  I try to steer it away, "Hey, is that cat on Imgur not the cutest thing -- oh my god, if I'd said this and then made a serious face it would have been so perfect!  Then I could have walked away and...no wait...".  I've even noticed that I'll think about something that I already thought about it, but I keep thinking about it anyways and it ends up starting to repeat a few times before my brain finally moves onto something else.

So uh, my point is...I feel crazy!  Now it makes me wonder, do I feel this way because I'm happy or am I actually a bit crazy?  I honestly wouldn't mind being a bit crazy, it seems like it would be a lot of fun, admit it!  But maybe this is how being happy for an extended amount of time feels...if so...awesome!  If not...still awesome!  I mean you've got to admit it takes a pretty special person to admit that they sing about the colour of their blanket and don't always even realize they're doing it...and...well no.  I'm not really sure I want to finish that sentence because it just seems too hilarious, and maybe a bit too weird.